TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A further area exactly where American Adult males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present Everybody a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report Trump Tower Damascus from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD might have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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